taking guidance

is not easy for me. fortunately, with age, with each new year it becomes easier for me to listen and hear between the lines. at thirty two my ears can fine tune themselves to the barely audible, fairly quiet, deeply internal voice, if i so chose. after all there are complicated consequences that result from discarding the facts. the truth is fairly simple but very difficult to want to hear, see, or believe. i never thought it was that funny when after having been told the truth and believing the opposite, i'd find myself completely unable to hear at all. i found that the less i heard, the less i was ever going to hear, i was quickly becoming deaf. just as i was losing my hearing, i found my vision and my ability to believe dissipate as well. oh the neglect. looking back i know i felt utterly, desperately in despair but now with a little age under my belt, thinking that maybe i know just a little bit more, it is all too funny. funny how taking guidance was absolutely distasteful and seriously uncool.

three or four or five years ago i thought i might be a decent enough artist to become a member of the local association of visual artists, AVA. after just one year i let that membership expire, and decided to fight conformity and structure and opportunity. to hell with organization. to hell with becoming a better artist, i didn't need the hassle of meeting some standard of mediocre impressionistic art. needless to say i knew i wouldn't miss out on a whole lot. now three or four or five years later i decided i wanted to be in that artist directory. uh? yeah you bet you, taking guidance feels really really good. you know it? thirty five bucks stood between me and that artist directory and you know how long it took for me to take heed and whip out the old credit card? um...only about a minute. yhep, that's right.

you know what? a membership to AVA doesn't mean anything to me but this one little itty bitty opportunity. and really i like this idea of a growing desire to share my art. finally. it is easier to listen than to bear the weight of neglect. taking guidance is difficult but i am thankful that guidance never gave up on me and figured out that in the depths of my heart i wanted to make nice art and share it with my community.

thanks kk1000

happy summer

today is a work day. early morning freezer paper stencil-made. new art work for upcoming art ed council auction and trying my hand at simple, yet blurry polaroids.

in my mind it is never too late to try something new, for me that is. i have always used polaroids as a means of taking head shots, silly and serious head shots of myself, none of which will ever make debut here or there. they will stay hidden between my journals.

summer here today is making itself known, a tumble of thunder mixed with a sizzling humid bolt of lightening. yum, cook me up some. you know i'm dorky. as soon as i posted "csa" i heard the words, on the t.v. so yeah. the rest of the day i am going to help a person celebrate their birthday. we shall see how that goes. have a happy first or second day of summer, wherever you are at.

eating for my eyes

wednesdays used to be no waste. remember when? i barely remember. it is difficult uncovering and discovering these days when so many do it full time. i have found some things i'd like-like but do not need and won't be purchasing but think they're worth a small bit of your time. for instance i am now getting a csa {can someone help me? i have no idea what csa means} bag a week full of vegetable bounty. oh yeah well um but, i need good food and carrots aren't on the list of things to share.
saturation for one

sparkle for two

and starlings for three

ok so they're not starlings but "s" was apart of my running theme, having nothing to do with the csa bounty or the carrots.

it's just been one of those days. happier now though that i've gotten new canvas that just happened to be 30% off sale. now finally i may actually have something to show for my non motivated post clothesline self. i'm thinking of fortune. and not my own fortune, and not fortunate but what i haven't quite figured it out, when i do i'll let you know. tomorrow night, that is thursday is my third to last time at the rx. it's not going to solve my restlessness to be finished there but it may help me eventually manage my time or some of these priorities.

eating for my eyes. watching my dairy intake. buying a new bicycle. learning to make new art. reading the chosen by chaim potok. getting eight hours of sleep. sending out clothesline invites. crabtree farms picnic. pool time with the nephews. sleeping past seven in the morning.

s t i l l

i s t i l l have christmas plastic window adhesives sticking to my windows. i suppose no one else has noticed, so what's the big deal? this week life has stilled, become a little more silent, peaceful and less contrary. i am on the mend. a mental and emotional mend that i have kept mostly to myself. i feel less weary, less worried, less fearful, less speechless, less tearful, and so life goes on. and really on it does. i have felt more like myself and less like a rug. i am not sure about how i'm going to go about picking up where i have left off with so much. something was born in me, this ultra sense of responsibility. within, i forgot about responsibility for the majority of my late teens and early twenties, and now having been in my thirties for 2 years i feel like i'm playing catch up. it has been difficult forgiving myself for the loss, thinking about what 'could've been', wondering about the 'should have's', pretty pointless, right? now i know and my eyes have been opened within, grace. i really see more and can handle more and know that i'm loved. s t i l l loved for who i truly am. sometimes i fight having any responsibility, the weight of the world. to love and be loved can be a pretty heavy undertaking, especially when for some many years i forgot to love myself first. anyone else have that problem, sometimes? i have got to learn to live and give myself a b.r.e.a.k. a chance to breath and silence the lies. who am i alone?

this week i feel like i accomplished a whole lot. though not like in art or cleaning or putting away my piles of laundry or quitting smoking or losing 3 pounds or whatever. i accomplished a little forgiveness, i feel like i allowed myself some grace, this feels huge. i feel like i gave myself a get out of jail free card, a tender pat on the back, a 'it'll be ok'.

i sent out the beehive tree, hoping it finds a loving home. posted clothesline financials, letters, and applications, i worked my second to last saturday at cvs, bought a great little father's day gift, went to the village market, finished reading what is the what by dave eggers, neglected to pick up my csa veggies, yet-but all in all feel relief and restoration.

this next week holds an entire new series of things to accomplish, concreting ideas for art.ama.jig piece, sending out clothesline invites/applications for 09/08 show, and possibly cooking that indian food, channa masala, i keep thinking about.

happy father's day to my dad and brothers. you are the best men in my world. too!

in the way

that flickr and etsy got in my way this weekend is certainly a serious understatement. i barely moved except to eat a couple poptarts, shuffle clean and dirty clothing, or shower and dress to spend time with the family. i actually accomplished exactly what i expected to insofar as getting every single piece of new artwork, expect for one, added to sell on etsy. and well um, flickr is always irresistible. i know that i have got to begin the process of creating new work, different work for the upcoming clothesline show in september and for art.ama.jig in july and i'm just putting it off. i'm putting it off in order to make work available here online. my etsy shop has been fully updated and you may now peruse at your leisure. it is to your advantage, some prices have been lowered. i also have an over abundance of the newest paper quilt series cards, so i've put them together in a 8 card set for sixteen bucks. what do you think? i know many of you expressed interest in seeing my work again, after having not gotten a close enough look at the clothesline and by all means i'd like to make that possible, but it isn't going to work for me to set up "appointments" at this time. i really think i ought to hang the leftover work at fitness together as i always have and if you're interested it's there and fairly open to the public. it's strange or something, i know.

i am just not sure how to go about making time for everything i need to accomplish. after meeting with the clothesline board members tonight, we began setting the serious dates and invitations to apply are going out next week, 13 weeks until september 5, 6, and 7. yipes! i really really really stressed out before the may show and i still don't think i've recovered. i am up for the challenge though and think this go around i'll have some learning and growing under my belt. honestly i could become the slug and enjoy the mattress and pillownest i make and the piles of books i have on my nightynite stand. in the depths of me i feel contentment and assuredness. there is peace.