fragile

i have found a fragile, fearful side of myself come back. it left for some time while i was less alone and a bit more social. now that i am working twelve hours almost everyday i am definitely more tired, with thoughts of black hole living seeping out around my edges. last thursday i spent most of the day feeling like my work effort was in an absolute shambles. i found a few major billing mistakes i should have caught but did not know to look deeper. so i decided to leave work early on friday. saturday i worked out in the dallas bay area. thirty minutes away, but worth the extra hours. at the end of the night i accidentally dumped over an entire register drawer, change toppling everywhere. thankfully the pharmacist was nice enough to help me pick it all up and out of the garbage.

sunday i meant to go to church but had many other excuses. ironing clothes, h. project, coffee, c.o.(sunday morning), rainy, horrible, soggy day (much too much like today, except today is worse), and having not been at home all week long hardly. at noon i went to the parentals for dinner. smoore is in ireland for the week and so it was just the three of us. i had the aesthetics meeting sunday night. i hesitantly took my drawings, which everyone really enjoyed and valued. they liked the ideas i had worked into the plans, for me it was encouraging. you never know how people are going to respond. we have a very small budget and concluded that we'd do the cosmetic work (paint, carpet and cabinet/shelves), then work on furniture and decoration next quarter.

today i finally got a greenlight on the software from the doctors. we're having all new hardware and medical software installed/converted. good, great news, signing a new contract, discussing final details, lots of questions. timing and technology. so i've started to list my brainstorms.

tonight and tomorrow i work all day. then i'm off wednesday through sunday for new jersey. being in a car for fourteen hours should lend itself to catching up on reading, sleeping, snacking, journaling, writing letters and talking with mom, aunt, and nana. oh yikes. what have i gotten myself into?

the above photo is of a photo i took the first year i lived at the grand. it is actually the photo i used to do the four piece painting. it is dark but something about it reminds me of new life. with the avocado seed, narcissus bulb and egg.

and thanks everyone for the sweet cards. i'm working on sending out the piles to each of you very very soon.

landscape times one

as a fulfillment of a delayed promise or thought, here are vague photos of my very first sewing paper project-O. i didn't want to bog the entry down with too many photos that aren't that detailed to begin with. a smidgen of clue for you. oh and i am oh so happy to have accomplished such a challenge. the machine is so small that i really dreaded keeping such long pieces together. so i used clips and paperclips. i couldn't use straight pins because the paper is too thick to puncture. and the space between the needle and right side of the machine is so small that i couldn't sew large segments together. a very slow, tedious process, but extremely fulfilling and rewarding.

i tend to do lean against landscapes in much of my work. they are abstract and require a double vision from the audience. it is as if flying in a plane overlooking the earth from afar, seeing very distant, minute fields, building/structures, roads, cars, rivers, lakes and all sorts of things. the earth has been compared to a quilt, when looked at from above. and that is my idea as well. the other vision you must take on is that of a profile view of a landscape/cityscape. i've got the shades of green rising up to the blue. with the moon in the right hand corner. buildings(abstracted) rising out of the green. and then as i always do add that layer of pixelated-squares. this time it was silver electrical tape at the top, yellow drywall grid tape for the middle and red red red beautiful red ducktape for the lower segment. last but not least i've got a splatter of brighter paint. but i believe i took the last photo before the splatter. but i used silver and yellow and red paint. it adds a touch of blur that i like about seeing things through squinted eyes. almost like when the sun is too bright.












i will put out a few more photos later on, but for now i wanted to get this out to you. i think when doing collage it is really important not to use other people's work. i know how wonderful it is to go to a place like hobby lobby and sift through the scrapbooking paraphenilia, but it IS someone else idea. sometimes collage is just that though and if your goal is to portray someone else's work and manipulate it that's good, but it is been done already. i would challenge you to keep a flimsy little notebook around you at all times. it doesn't really have to be all that special of a book. i keep notebooks at my friends house all the time because sometimes i get in a draw-ering mood and have got to get a fix. one thing that all collage artists should take advantage of is KINKO'S. there is nothing wrong with taking bits and pieces of your doodling, scraps of found objects(which is different from scrapbooking materials), and 3 dimensional objects (e.g. buttons, matches, maps, paperclips, et cetera). you are responsible for being original and you have the ability to make your own scrapbooking sheets that are CHEAPER anyway. the other thing is that that color-copying that you have becomes a continual resource to add to future works. it's true. i keep rubbermaid bins for old wrapping paper and color copies, pipe cleaner, origami, and a whole bunch of other stuff. don't be afraid, seriously.

i'm outta here.

foul swoop

as i was taking the elevator up to the fifth this morning, i noticed the purple window washing company out in command on the glass. when i went out for a break just now i watched as three of them gently eased their way down to a flat area. at once the third, higher than the other two took a flying leap around a angled corner into the two below. took my breath away for just a moment. watching in awe as white foam flew out of white buckets. and a tangle of rope and purple, woven together on the side of the glass. in one enormous foul swoop the whole troop might have crumpled to the glass roof feet below. i am now left with a strange feeling. remembering b.k., last night's rerun episode of medium, and how fragile life really honestly is. i suppose it is wrong of me to draw similarity between a real life accident and that which is portrayed on real television. i tend to watch television to pick up snippets of knowledge, pointless, meandering knowledge of very small matters. science intrigues me to no end because there is fact about everything. one could wrap our lives around numbers. how many blinks, how many yawns, how many oreos around the earth, consumed by americans in a year. so on and so forth, a never ending wealth of who's who. what's what and why's why.

it is indeed exhausting. and i seriously doubt i am exaggerating. the problem might be, that i never finished college. but i doubt that too. i am more than curious about everything.

last night after work i came home and had the evening off. it was a normal day, just like any other except i got the cutest valentine from my littlest bestest friend in the world. josiah will most likely be like his momma and eden like her poppa. doesn't it work that way usually. i believe i am one hundred percent my father and one hundred percent my mother. that's how i explain my conflictedness. how could one person be an introvert/extrovert simultaneously? i worked on crossword puzzles in bed before drifting off to sleep. i didn't wake up until a text message on my cellphone woke me at eight. almost too late. so i popped out from under the cozy sheets and made sum+ kona blend kaffe'. chips and dips for dinner. and all my m.s.magazines for reference along with metro home. pumped out five drawings of the music room. not proportionate, but colored with pencil and everything. i don't think i finally got up to go to sleep until two a.m. oh well. i have a majorly bad habit of not sleeping correctly. starting from when i was in highschool, having mono, and almost missing senior vaca to panamocity (the way j. says it). i went on the trip, miserable the whole entire time, but that's highschool for you.

i want you to know that the i looked at the blogs up for the 2005 bloggie awards and i had no idea that i could nominate myself. egotistical i know, but hell there are bloggers out there using blogspot just as i am and up for a little publicity. many of the blogs don't even have photo content. how's that good. i've gotta have the visual support, anything to represent the phantomcrimes that'll blow your mind.

real is love

ah these last days weren't exactly a weekend. i spent the majority of my waking moments working at the ole rx. woohoo. i am thankful to have tonight off, but it is back to it, tuesday, wednesday, friday, and saturday. i am missing some great times, a couple of people have been disappointed by my inabilities to participate. i feel badly but really my priority is this second job. i am not working because i want to, i am doing it because i have to.

i did not even feel motivated to work on any fine project-O's. no music room drawings or "trades" for h. i've decided that tonight is project night. if nothing happens, if i'm not filled with motivation tonight i'm going to have to rush around mad, before the end of the week catches up with me. i've gotten plenty of ideas. i bought martha stewart's GOOD THINGS organizational mag along with another pulpy crossword mag. i also got some sorta cute buttons for ninety nine cents @ the rx yesterday. whooo knew i'd find a treasure chest of goodies? there is no lack of ideas, it's a keeping my eyes open thing.

on sunday morning with c.o. i saw cristo&jean-claude. their beautiful creation. i don't care to say so, but seeing the gates unfurled brought forth a swell amount of tearful joy. i appreciate what they've done there and i want so badly to mimic their maximum efforts and progress throughout the years. did you know, their bdays are both on april thirteenth? how hum...don't you think? her hair matches the color of the blowing sheets of saffron. i've always wanted to do something that would stop the traffic. stop the world. i had this crazy idea and mentioned it to my monamieta this afternoon...wouldn't it be nice to take a greyhound from new jersey to central park one day next week? i'd go there snap a few photos, drink a beer, say hello to matt, jerah, erin and benanna and then sierra nevada, off i go again. just a small day trip, nothing too extravagant, but my nana might need help. i am going to see my mommom and poppop, they might not know it yet, but i'm going to see where they live. i've never actually been there before. oohh brother.

gated community

yesterday morning i woke up in a cloud of white flurry. a snow poured and blew from the sky, leaving me feeling sad without accumulation. last night i had a nightmarish dream and awoke at 1.17am. yikzers. i remember it well as if it were really real. a small two seater glider plane flew into my building.



right into the first level, below my window looking out towards the north. the plane made no noise when it hit the building, as if the building opened a large mouth and swallowed it whole. i felt a small to medium vibration, but nothing that knocked me off my feet. there was no explosion or immediate fire, just a sucking sound as if the plane was imploding in on itself. no screaming, and a delayed fire alarm went off out in the hallway. i didn't feel panicked, but confused about what had just happened, so as i have done before, (in real life) i got my purse and cellphone and walked down the stairwell to the lobby and out the side door. the firemen and trucks seemed to get there simultaneously with the crash, so i never heard them come. not even one tiny siren sound. i could smell something burning and literally woke up when i did.

but i went back to sleep or drifted in that inbetween state and found myself going back up into my apartment to find the paint peeling off the walls, rust brown water marks, and a chemical burn smell.

what a strange dream. usually i only dream when i am napping during the afternoon or early evening. today it is beautiful outside and i've got to work tonight from 6-9pm. i might go out, but i'd like to stay at home and work on a few projects. i've got to get something off to h. i noticed her beeUtefful cards, loving the paper source. i also haven't forgotten about the music room drawings. but saturday i've got to work too. oh brother. i'm outta here for the weekend. back on monday.