ssshhhhh:listen
tilt:seasons&dreams
i watch a little bit of television from where you see me sitting in this chair. most afternoons, five until six, little house on the prarie finds it's way onto fox sixty one. i used to wish and dream and believe i'd be the next "laura ingalls wilder" when i grew up. i am a bit embarassed to admit i memorized the shows entire opening credits all of which include the actors/actresses names. bah! i cannot remember what i used to dream about as a little girl other than the prarie and nellie olsen. i know that i didn't have regular dreams of having a husband, marriage or children, those kinds didn't come until my mid-twenties. i had dreams of being a airforce pilot, a chef, and i think a pro soccer player. i remember when i started journaling though and have kept those secret pages hidden from most eyes except for my mom, who at times needed the cryptic info, to unravel her teenage daughters downward spiral. i tried this morning to go back and find my old old old diaryland account:blog, but that's all awash, a nogo. all this to say:
spring has sprung, all abloom. except for the freezing temps i woke up to this morning, and thru the end of the week. i'm glad for the cool breath of thirty degrees and too a little bit warmer weather but seriously dread the heat and humidity of our southren summer. i think my indoor plants are doing better now, this weird winter seemed to take it's toll, considering too, that all the light i get is indirect northren sun. my aloe, orchid, and orange tree are each showing new growth. bamboo on the other hand. well. i'm not so sure only because i'm not looking at it as much, just making sure it gets water.
the seasons are slowly disappearing and becoming one long hot summer i think. have you all read any wendell berry? the gift of good land. or how about barbara kingsolver? small wonder. i'm in the middle of it, steeped in the thick of feeling, thinking about green, pondering the reality of our environmental distruction or whatever you wanna call it. my aunt cathy has some land and used to have a garden. a fairly big garden. i think she and my uncle have cleared the land, more room for caleb, liam and sam to tromp around on (maybe?). could i do it, make a garden grow again? could i make this land a source of food for her family and my family. or should i start small and go for the land at the back of my mom and dad's garage? oh the ideas... could i make time? i mean when i dream now as a thrity something year old woman i think of opening up an orphanage, fostering teenage children, making a city garden in my apartment parkinglot sideyard thingy. i dream of recycled fenceposts and tincan scarecrows. i think of seeds and occassionally pull out my gardening journal, one that i kept while working for NK Lawn and Garden company as a what? a horticultrual specialist, oh brother, i'm not even close.
i love these ideas: five senses swap: swap meat: books to check out: apron chronicles: crabtree farms are there anymore you'd like to add?
Green Paper Quilt Collage & WIP
over the weekend i completed the green paper quilt collage. i bet you guys thought i was giving up all together but all the while i was a hustlin' and a bustlin' on this go around. i should probably make mention of how the green is similar and dissimilar to the others, though you're welcome to check it blurry style here on your own. the hexashapes are larger this time. the green wrapping paper i used was just too great to waste, i'm sure you can guess...the drawings-the green bird and the arrowhead trees in the top left hand corner are simpler drawings than before. and i have run out of vintage wrapping paper pieces. anyone up for a swap? as in i need more of that beautiful heavy duty vintage wallpaper. 
i started the orange paper quilt last night and can't wait to see how that goes. four down:two to go. i'm still debating the last color:lavendar? grey? black or white? anyone have suggestions.
i started the orange paper quilt last night and can't wait to see how that goes. four down:two to go. i'm still debating the last color:lavendar? grey? black or white? anyone have suggestions.
are you following our conversations? a little exclamation is due for sure. kate's blog-post, so good, well written and for me. and others, i know. we are best friends and we are all about hard conversation and discussion when need be, this one is about me showing my art.
showing it out, not just showing it in this space or that space on the great big www. but out in the community of chattanooga. i know. i haven't shown my work out since last march, a year ago at mojo burrito. i am still making work and when the opportunity comes up for me to show my work i will. maybe another mojo show? or maybe an "inapt" show? no matter what i understand. i get it and obviously the only way i am going to get better is if people see and masses speak and i hear and mull things over in my mind. joining ava is not an option right now. rx taxes are due in two weeks. framing is not an option right now, back rent is due in two weeks. april all around is going to be a tight month. may looks good and i am open 100% to handing off some of my work to show at the women's clothesline show...there.
and plus right now art isn't my primary focus. working at my jobs is, i think i feel really defensive and wonder if i should be doing something different. because i keep making art and i know in my heart that i'm getting better. i don't always know what people think about what i do that is true. but my ideas are firm and focused, my direction is now more conceptual and i feel like between my trees and quilts i have got a little niche. i'm i lying to myself?
up till this point i didn't want to talk about my art because i had no idea what my art was for or where it all was going. i have been too proud to admit i needed help in focusing. it was just about experimenting, but those days of hardcore experimentation are over. it's now time to fill the gaps and close bridges. now i can really talk about my collage and painting goals with people and not feel like a flake. i can talk about the techniques because i've done more than one tree and more than one quilt. my work is starting to find cohesiveness that it hasn't had because i wasn't in school being shown how to focus my attention or skill. i don't have a artistic background in school. i never wanted school and was too stubborn to be taught and now after playing with art it is time for me to buckle down. i get it!!!
i wonder...what more should i do? see my work in progress:orange!!!
what do you think about the dotted tissue paper from anthropologie? love it!!!
clear metal:pound&round
often i lay in bed at night before drifting off to sleep pondering my day, my experiences, my immediate reactions and overreactions, and words
. words that hang around on the tip of my tongue or have double meanings or words that have no real possibility, ie. clear metal. i was thinking about the different types of responses i have received from my previous post and how blogging can become a treachorous experience about sharing and getting exactly what i've asked for. extreme as i may or may not sound i have decided after discussion and reconsideration to expound and round up this single womans mythbusters.
i'd like to be a clear metal, chemically and scientifically i'd like to be as clear and transparent as possible, to be open and vunerable and still, still be hard enough to withstand the questions, concerns, and critique. i'd like to be a walking, talking oxymoron. what are the chances?
monday night i went out with kate and joel. we caught up. joel added this bit of commentary: he said to me, "kate and you will talk on the phone for a couple of hours about everything and anything and then decide that you are going out to get coffee. how is it that two hours go by and you've still got enough to talk about, enough to go out and talk about"? it is true...true and really hilarious because i would have never seen it from joel's perspective. i think going out with kate and joel is only just a part of a the bigger community i experience on a daily basis.
on tuesday night i went out with my brother's wives, mary and laurie. we go out every week and have been doing so for close to a year now. as you probably remember the three of us took a trip to new york together, traveled together. slept in the same hotel together and even got lost in the city together. it brought us closer together for real. and with three baby boys on the way it is super important that the three of us really get to know one another. i'm going to be spending every holiday with them for the rest of my life. and to top it off. the relationships with them don't always feel good, they don't always seem easy, we all work full time in the medical field, we each deal with life and death in a very serious way...we bring our own struggles, our own stresses, and self centered ness(es) to the weekly dinner table. it is challenging to lay aside defensiveness when listening to mary and laurie talk about my family, my mom and my dad and my brothers. but it is important to hear and listen to their perspectives. perspectives of yet another different community.
on wednesday night i went out with my co worker amy. amy is someone i see every single day of my life. we work together in the same office space doing the difficult, every metamorphising job of oncology billing. amy is catholic. i'm only saying that because we are very open and we talk about everything under the sun. sex, theology, philosophy, television and much much more. amy and i have become close. she gets on my nerves, i get on her nerves. but we help each other, we teach and show and learn from one another. and i like shopping with her. so went to the mall and we went to hobby lobby to find craft supplies, so that she can make notebooks for some of our other co workers. at the beginning of lent this year amy suggested that we pray together every morning in the insurance department. so we do. almost everyday. she or i pray, d.w. and l.w., amy and i take a few minutes to lift our prayers to god. that is community.
last night which was thursday night and then tonight which is friday i am going to work at cvs pharmacy. i have been working for cvs now for over two years. i will work anywhere from 12-21 hours there in addition to my full time job at uoha. i primarily work with a sixty five year old great grandmother who has worked for cvs for 15 years. she is one of my heros. really one of my heros. she isn't perfect but she's a mentor, a true mentor. her life is a pill bottle full of tragedy, abuse, struggle, pain, some self inflicted, some from her husband, and some even from her adult children. her story is long and full of chronic loss and fatigue and joy too, but she tells me to stay away from "tarus men". she warns me not to get stuck in a relationship with an abusive man. she challenges me to never give up. save money, be frugual, provide for yourself, be self sufficent and work hard. we are close, very close and i am so happy when i see her and we get to spend our weekends together. it is hard, we don't always agree just like me and an amy and me and katie but it's good. she is my community at cvs and it is another part of the bigger community that makes up my life.
i have calvary and i have my art and my downtown apartment and space to reflect and quiet my soul. i have community and i do allow myself to be stretched into a capacity god sees fit for me to fill. when i talk about being single and i write about ideas and plans and values and standards it is important to remember that god is my father, my husband, my leader, my guide, my path, my shield, he fights my battles for me. risk is something i take everyday, posting and being this clear metal. i could spend this weekend alone in my apartment and not one of you would ever know if i disappeared. i could go for a walk in the battlefield and disappear and noone would know. i make choices that help validate my exsistence in these communities. and stating the facts and blowing myths up about being single is happening all over the world. do a google search sometime. it isn't just me. i just happen to be the only single woman some of you all know.
leaving you all with some other things to think about:
single men missing
the portrait party via veer
free people via poppy
dwell
sparkability
dwell and sparkability via print&pattern
tonight join the rest of us on the southside for artsmove on main from 3:30pm until 5pm.
have a great weekend friends. take care.
. words that hang around on the tip of my tongue or have double meanings or words that have no real possibility, ie. clear metal. i was thinking about the different types of responses i have received from my previous post and how blogging can become a treachorous experience about sharing and getting exactly what i've asked for. extreme as i may or may not sound i have decided after discussion and reconsideration to expound and round up this single womans mythbusters. i'd like to be a clear metal, chemically and scientifically i'd like to be as clear and transparent as possible, to be open and vunerable and still, still be hard enough to withstand the questions, concerns, and critique. i'd like to be a walking, talking oxymoron. what are the chances?
monday night i went out with kate and joel. we caught up. joel added this bit of commentary: he said to me, "kate and you will talk on the phone for a couple of hours about everything and anything and then decide that you are going out to get coffee. how is it that two hours go by and you've still got enough to talk about, enough to go out and talk about"? it is true...true and really hilarious because i would have never seen it from joel's perspective. i think going out with kate and joel is only just a part of a the bigger community i experience on a daily basis.
on tuesday night i went out with my brother's wives, mary and laurie. we go out every week and have been doing so for close to a year now. as you probably remember the three of us took a trip to new york together, traveled together. slept in the same hotel together and even got lost in the city together. it brought us closer together for real. and with three baby boys on the way it is super important that the three of us really get to know one another. i'm going to be spending every holiday with them for the rest of my life. and to top it off. the relationships with them don't always feel good, they don't always seem easy, we all work full time in the medical field, we each deal with life and death in a very serious way...we bring our own struggles, our own stresses, and self centered ness(es) to the weekly dinner table. it is challenging to lay aside defensiveness when listening to mary and laurie talk about my family, my mom and my dad and my brothers. but it is important to hear and listen to their perspectives. perspectives of yet another different community.
on wednesday night i went out with my co worker amy. amy is someone i see every single day of my life. we work together in the same office space doing the difficult, every metamorphising job of oncology billing. amy is catholic. i'm only saying that because we are very open and we talk about everything under the sun. sex, theology, philosophy, television and much much more. amy and i have become close. she gets on my nerves, i get on her nerves. but we help each other, we teach and show and learn from one another. and i like shopping with her. so went to the mall and we went to hobby lobby to find craft supplies, so that she can make notebooks for some of our other co workers. at the beginning of lent this year amy suggested that we pray together every morning in the insurance department. so we do. almost everyday. she or i pray, d.w. and l.w., amy and i take a few minutes to lift our prayers to god. that is community.
last night which was thursday night and then tonight which is friday i am going to work at cvs pharmacy. i have been working for cvs now for over two years. i will work anywhere from 12-21 hours there in addition to my full time job at uoha. i primarily work with a sixty five year old great grandmother who has worked for cvs for 15 years. she is one of my heros. really one of my heros. she isn't perfect but she's a mentor, a true mentor. her life is a pill bottle full of tragedy, abuse, struggle, pain, some self inflicted, some from her husband, and some even from her adult children. her story is long and full of chronic loss and fatigue and joy too, but she tells me to stay away from "tarus men". she warns me not to get stuck in a relationship with an abusive man. she challenges me to never give up. save money, be frugual, provide for yourself, be self sufficent and work hard. we are close, very close and i am so happy when i see her and we get to spend our weekends together. it is hard, we don't always agree just like me and an amy and me and katie but it's good. she is my community at cvs and it is another part of the bigger community that makes up my life.
i have calvary and i have my art and my downtown apartment and space to reflect and quiet my soul. i have community and i do allow myself to be stretched into a capacity god sees fit for me to fill. when i talk about being single and i write about ideas and plans and values and standards it is important to remember that god is my father, my husband, my leader, my guide, my path, my shield, he fights my battles for me. risk is something i take everyday, posting and being this clear metal. i could spend this weekend alone in my apartment and not one of you would ever know if i disappeared. i could go for a walk in the battlefield and disappear and noone would know. i make choices that help validate my exsistence in these communities. and stating the facts and blowing myths up about being single is happening all over the world. do a google search sometime. it isn't just me. i just happen to be the only single woman some of you all know.
leaving you all with some other things to think about:
single men missing
the portrait party via veer
free people via poppy
dwell
sparkability
dwell and sparkability via print&pattern
tonight join the rest of us on the southside for artsmove on main from 3:30pm until 5pm.
have a great weekend friends. take care.
ein.uno.one
aretha's and the train masters game was so good for me last night. i needed a break from my stuffy apartment and green paper quilt collage. but for some reason all i feel like doing today is complaining. honestly my eyebrows have been knitted all morning, my eleven wrinkle is forming a battleline, my mind a bee's nest of conflicting thought and destruction. i am dinocat, hear me ROAR!!! i am going to have to put on the breaks or else i'm going to find myself in a collison course with well, something not so pretty. i am over it. i have come to a conclusion and resolution. not anything i really want to share about right now, but it is all going to be alright. i will survive. i will thrive. i will grow. i will be strong. sounds ridiculous, much like a cat-anthem. i was sort of just upset because being single means that many people (in love) want to help me but the idea that i have to be fixed or helped is actually the most bothersome thing in the whole entire world. a long story short: this single woman mythbusters part 1:
a. i am not lonely or depressed
b. i have lots of friends
c. i am an artist who loves her space and her free time to be alone, reflective, and quiet
d. i love children but probably would like to foster +/ adopt
e. i am not indebt and do not need a man to help me financially become stable
f. i do not want to marry a man who has been married before or who has children from a previous relationship
g. i am not desperate and believe my high standards are perfectly fine
h. god wants me to be with a christian man and not just be a procreation station
i. i do like men, even though i think we are culture breeding weakness in men and that feminism will be the death and porn is hell, no matter what kind of marriage you have now, whether your man dropped the porn soon after you married him or not. i do not want to be compared to a twelve year old hairless baby girl.
oh so?whatcha gotta say?
tomorrow i will have better things to share. thank you mom for your quick and wise outlook. thank you kate for your free love and accountability and bird caps. thank you jen for your phonecalls and lovely new post.
peace