back, better & before

time swallowed me. i swallowed feelings of liberation. i arrived home yesterday afternoon, feeling a little bit like life and the ocean had changed me. the sun everyday, the beating waves, seaweed haze and torrent winds are still on my mind and in my reflection. am i back? so i am very physically, with my mind at the edge of the shore. before i left i was beginning to take time again. time to swallow up my urge. piece by piece a grid of this family tree. the poison tree a concept-ual i've had for too long and haven't had any degree of motivation. it is working itself out so very well. and so now and probably for ever i will be working on this one theme; "trees." considering my last two paintings were the freezing trees and now this. and yes it is still a wip, i know it's not friday guys.

did i mention that i am feeling now one hundred percent better. like a new female. like a new growth, a green feeling. oh i do appreciate kate, jen's, and ellia's considerately sweet thoughts. i have this semi-guilty feeling that i may have asked for them in a desperate way, but before i left i was feeling really desperate. really and i didn't know if you'd want to know, or even if i should ask for support and help. did i even ask? i needed the good cry that came on monday night last week. i needed to write it all down, whatever it all was that was beneath my skin, crawling and causing me conflict. i needed your affirmation and i needed to get the hell away for a while. i needed to laugh with tears, i needed to laugh more and swim and tan tan tan. i needed to find a few pretty shells. all not without great strength from my mother and you my friends. so now that beachtrip 2006 is past i can move forward. i so i will, beginning with working again every day and every night this week. and trying so to get off on the 29th for ryan adams, he's one hot whiskey. how can i miss it?

i have updated my flickr acct with bt 2006 pics. i may end up doing a side by side comparison of last year-this year. i think it might be cool. if i have time.

back and burning

i have always wondered how rocks and wires appear upon my ledge, considering i'm not the one putting them there. yesterday the wire looked so nice in the light. at some point someone was trying to break in the apartment building. there are more and more people moving into the grand that are section eight. i'm not though. how is that supposed to work? a court order? i might be considered section eight. the building maybe under new property management. i say maybe because there are staffing transitions but no name change. i've noticed more and more neglect but have no idea what larger city downtown living is like. i'd hate to live down on main next to the firehouse. those condos/huge apartments don't seem to be getting good solid sound proof windows.

i had a really nice weekend and after fighting the infection i feel ninty five percent better. i still have got some residuals...but on saturday my mom and dad invited me to a bagel brunch. we talked and munched and talked just a little bit more. the room, the room i love is now a robin's egg blue and mom got that cool wicker furniture from pier one. ooo. so so so pretty. i oughta take some shots. mom and i planned to shop but as soon as i got in the car i felt terribly ill. i even had to cry a little to get all the sickness out. such a strangeness about my health, both physical and mental, these days. my mom's generous spirit is undescribable. and my appreciation pales. because i'm humbled by her love and humbled by the beautiful things we found together for me to wear to the beach. i have wondered if the struggle with my appearance was worth writing about. the ideas and desire to change the outward (as the inward side of me is constantly growing) yikzers! it's an awkward thing to blog about and nearly ego-gross! i mostly think it is interesting because i never once thought there might be something wrong with me at less than 5 foot and weighting a ton. it was never a consideration. nor had it ever revolved around my faith so much.

in re: to sunday. there was cc and wonderful news and teaching on dreams. so i wrote a bit in my private black book about what some of my dreams are. and also what some of my accomplishments have been in the last year. it's hard for me to think about these things when i'm only trying to get through today. but in retrospect all is a lot better than i could ever imagine.

i am starting more art stuff too. and painting again. after all it has been a long time. too long. and tomorrow i'm leaving for the gulf, so i won't be back for a week or more. i'm glad to be going. and on the 29th there is ryan adams, but k8 i'm not sure about getting off, because i'd be not working on my designated rx weekends. i'm still trying though. and no one has ever said a word about my header, and i've got new photos up in flickr. check em.

green my freckles

i have so little to share or say. i am concentrating on work. while attempting to clear out the serious cobwebs in my head. the blue feelings have been surrounding me for the last three or so weeks, mainly because of unresolved illness. i finally decided to ask for a script yesterday, because nothing else was helping. i hope to feel better within the next twenty-four hours. there's no use in complaining, all and all i am completely fine, there's no comparison to those i see daily suffering from some form of cancer. i haven't been with friends and i've not been creative at all. blogging is a burden if i'm to do it at work. and i haven't taken a whole lot of photos to share. i am looking forward to a 10 days of vacation. gulfshores again. new bathing suit, new j.jill skirt, new pictures to share, new thoughts, new hope. i am neglecting some things and really trying hard to focus on other more important things. i do miss being here and i'll will return with probably a lot more fevor. just for now i'm giving my fingers a rest. i'm like andrea, making lists, i'm like katie getting my act together on life. i see the rest of july and august to be good. times with friends to share. so so so needed. i also can't wait to make things again. a break may have been what i needed but i'm going to have to shake the green my freckles.

a view

this is all i've got for today. it's small i know but i am very thankful for what i have been given. i works for me right now. i'm just looking for a less cluttery life. slowly but surely i'll find a minimal life again.

bee creativity

my thoughts were these plus more. as i mentioned and lost in my last post when my office electricity surged on friday. i have a whole lot to say actually and so very little time at the moment. only because its the end of my day and i'm busy posting moolah.

today is tuesday june 27 2006: i actually feel like i am accomplishing things again. i say around most of last week i was exhausted mostly, unmotivated or paralyzed with the projects stacking up around me. on saturday i went to my boss's home for a girl's only pool party. there are a few pictures floating around from the rowdy event so beware. i am no where near the tan or the slim i wish i were. sincere and a million thanks to mom though for the purchasing of my brand spankin new bathing suit. i assure you it makes me feel a whole lot better. otherwise i'd be sporting a frown and a frumpy blue vintage bathing suit. it only looks like that because it's too big for me now. i am trying not to gloat, because i realize i have a ways to go in my ideal size/weight. i'm working out at night now. at least two to three times weekly. i have got to do something about my "thunder" thighs. sheesh! the pic above is what i might call my claire danes look alike pic. just a little like when she was in r&j. maybe?

so on sunday i decided to stay at home and do laundry and finish my postcard swap. i finally got all of my cards out into the mail yesterday and am so excited to see what everyone sends and how the response is. i think this will have been my fourth postcard swap and so i'm now thinking i will start a book with all of the cards it in from all the swaps i've participated in. yet another project, but at least i'd have the cards organized. afterall it would be a nice way to show people, as well as a resource for inspiration.

so what's left, well i have begun putting together my swap for nina, because i know the green is presently waiting for my pickup at the p.o.b. like i need more melmac but i couldn't resist the bright green. so summery and potentially seasonal. i've got my mugs out, ready to go in the box, but i'm still trying to get a few more things together, i want it to be worth nina's while, you know? i also started a letter to a friend, which i'll keep a secret until more things come together for her...

i'd like to finish my freezing tree 2 painting and the bicycle painting too, so that i'll have work to put into the legacy fine arts festival if i get in. kate has kindly said i could borrow her tent. woohoo! so nothing should stand in my way. wish me luck. my deadline is right around the corner. yipes!!!