thursday love

i keep forgetting about thursday love except...camilla reminds me of how much i do love a good bird. her favorite it seems is a crow, cawcawcaw! i picked these birds out off a target shelf many many months ago. they lay atop my retro microwave that actually has a metal plate in it that one places they're food or beverage on to heat. odd, you have to see it to believe it, due to the fact that we're told metal in microwaves are a nono! i bought the nice vintage kitchen tray at an antique store on good ole rossville blvd almost five years ago. it was a "must-have!" my mom has a matching one.

so i do love and i am catching up on rachel salomon work. i adore the color orange and wish for blue skies everyday with hints of ped...

i couldn't finish see friday's post.

a day late

it could be sunday or tuesday or even today as it is and i wouldn't mind putting this one up. obviously it's a day late and more than a dolla short. a couple of weeks ago i went to lamar's for the last performance of jarius. my youngest brother aaron had been apart of the band from the beginning and so i went to honor his college and post college participation in the musical experience. saturday night was a good night with friends and family. lamar's used to be a place i'd go almost every weekend. there was always something going on and i'd drink a whole bunch and smoke and feel absolutely horrific the next day. nowadays i so rarely jump out to the old haunts, and i never drink anymore. the days of bar hopping and loud music are behind me, and i'm grateful for that growth. i often miss my social sphere and would like those connections to grow back like hair loss kits promise to do. but at the same time, it's as though life does narrow itself a bit and i am not sure there's anything wrong with my standards changing to excluded the crappy lifestyle of my youth. don't get me wrong. i loved my days of adventure and sheer freedom, but they weren't going to be making me into a better person and it was really all about experimenting back then.

last night for instance i decided to stay at home and paint. that brings me so much more joy than anything else in the world and plus i've been struggling with matt. about two or three weeks ago he decided to break back into a lifelong pattern of behavior and it's been really difficult for me to understand. when he's "clean" and "free" from the addiction he's a totally different person, i see growth and purpose in his eyes and life. i see his desire to know and change, but all has flow out the window. i suppose you could tell i was frustrated by just reading my last post about the american population's overuse of mental health drugs. the thing is despite the painful struggle with matt i still care, but i don't want to and so i'm trying to figure all of it out. i want to remain open, but i can't and won't as long as the crap continues. i don't want to be apart of his self neglect. but i also want him to know i care. all of this along with just the stress of working too much has bogged me a bit. i'm being way honest about these things only because kate and i had a eyebrow raising discussion on saturday night about these things-also a hairy scary way of introducing myself just a little more. at least today i'd like to rid myself of thoughts like: self preservation, reputation, pretentious self promotion in blog post. anyway. i don't want to lose the joy i've gained over the last months. i don't have a desire to compromise and so even in great strides through god's mercy and overwhelming grace, i struggle and pursue purpose in him. thank you for you comfort and prayers andrea! you really a kick ass hulagirl.

i'm out, should be back tomorrow with a little bit more of the old cat to share with you.

weary post weekend

after this past weekend i now know i must seek and find rest or at least a possible fake abduction may need to occur. the abduction is just incase i don't get the rest i need tomorrow when i am finally going to have an entire day and night off from work. i have hit a breaking point where almost everything rides my nerves like a bucking broncho. i'm about over being nice for the sake of being a nice. it's only because i feel taken advantage of by the society of people i live amoungst. really it all started on thursday night of last week when i was at cvs. i was super busy, it was truck day and i was putting out the new cosmetics, which fortunately for me is always my job on truck day. so i get to see and discover all the new lipgloss, eyeshadow and technical mascara's. i keep a small bell up front at the register with a sign that says: "ring bell for service." so of course, i hear the bell and i speed walk to the front. there at the counter is a large middle aged man with no hair and a goatee, a red floral hawaiian shirt and denim pants. unga! i ask him for his extra care card, he hasn't got one, so i scan mine and proceed to ring up a single item of cream or something. the total comes to nine something and so i tell him. he responds by saying that's not the total, i say alright and find that the item has been rung up twice. he then interrupts me and says that he rung the item up before i even got to the register. i say "well that doesn't help very much at all, does it?" mind you i say i all with a smile and chuckle chuckle. he inturn yells, "excoooozzzzeee the HELL OUUTTTTA MMEEEEEEE!!!!"

at that point i'm totally shocked and pissed beyond words. i can't even look at him without thinking "go to hell jerk!" i'm hurt and really i think, what in the world has our society come to when it's totally alright for a man (a supposed gentleman) to curse me? i may look thirteen, but i'm thirty and i deserve freakin' respect!!! i obviously did not think i'd done anything wrong. i have concluded since then that any negative response to a customer is potentially going to result in this way. and i'm thinking. we are a culture of pussykats! a culture of overmedicated baby's. men who raise their voices in cvs rx's because they are weak and cannot control themselves and must curse little girls like me. over half my coworkers at the practice are on some kind of medication. i counted ten last week that i know are on either zoloft, prozac, paxil, or wellbutrin. it totally makes me angry. isn't it ridiculous that there's a drug out there for anyone struggling with anything from obsessiveness to social anxiety, to self imposed depression or erectial disfunction, there's behavior drugs for children who have non existent parents with a barely there knowledge of how to parent or disciple. i have this dark lingering feeling that i am working and living amoungst a bunch of fake, mask wearing individuals who are powerless to change their personal circumstances and are hopelessly drowning in unrepentant sin and LIFE. i mean, have american's in general forgotten that life is hard, i mean really hard. life is painful, really painful. and not just because people die or people get hurt, but because we were born into sin. we are full of fault and frustration and negativity. the crazy thing is, is that people refuse belief in god and so they stay screwed up, they stay dependent on drugs, they stay self centered, they continue to drown in their slave like existence and pity themselves. but where does that leave the rest of us, as if i have something to gain from boasting my non dependence on drugs, i'm certainately humbled in my own right, but to suffer amoungst the massive amounts of zombies.

and you know, kate my dear friend was in town over the weekend and we had a fantastic time. a glorious time with one another. and neither of us are on drugs of any sort and we talked about all kinds of things. how can i say, we spoke about art and blogging and relationships, specifically my relationship with matt. i drank four cups of joe, but that's a far cry from paxil. man when i'm in the depths of a struggle, it is usually because i've made a really bad choice. either to think poorly about someone or a situation or to act out in anger and unrepentence. i'm just tired, tired of having weakness surround me, even the weakness in myself. i need a break from feeling weak. so tomorrow will be about the strength and grace that god has given me. will you all think about the overmedicated people out there and attempt to change their perspective even, i don't mean the people who are clinically and diagnostically ill but those people who take a drug for simply the inability to face reality. please pray for me and pray for those others out there. thank you thank you thank you kate and mom an amy b. and ellia, thank you mc and lc. too my sisters smoore and emoore. i still have all this love with all this weary post weekend facing a whole new startling week. unga!

am i it?

yeah yeah i can't tell you how much i love love my fellow bloggers! i have met so many new wonderful friends, i mean just recently thanks to ellia and her great swaporamas! the dear shashi tagged me with five things. i enjoy these sorts of thingy's but suppose many of my readers might be bored. i wonder if i should lie?

five things

five minutes to yourself

pluck the tiny black hair from my chin (opps!)
smoke a cigarette (dang!)
check my email
doodle layer after layer of waves (i'll have to
take a pic sometime)
sleep for actually a whole lot longer the five...

five bucks to spend right now

4 packs of trident chewing gum
a green tea smoothie from charbucks
t-shirt from ole' navy
rice dream choc. covered popsicle (vegan)
new little boys orange and grey ankle socks


five items in your house you could part with, right now, that you hadn't thought of already

the stupid fussball table(please someone come and pick it up, i don't have time for chatt's freecycle)
yes, i have old magazines too. usually every year i go through all of them and i either bring them in on nurses day and i give them to elizabeth, dr. n.'s nurse or i lay them out for patients
old half burnt candles
fake plastic fruit
rotting strawberries in my fridge
beautiful paper bags with handles like from department stores (i.e. banana republic)(a trait i'm so fortunate to have picked up from my wunderbar mutter)

five items you absolutely, positively could never part with in your house

well geez, considering i've lost everything in a house fire september 2002 and have slowly been accumulating everything again...i realize there isn't anything i can't live without. i really enjoy my eggcup collection, postcard collection and i love all the paint and paper i have managed to recollect over the last almost four years. i mostly never want to lose my sanity or my faith. i do love my retro microwave and all of my wonderful mobiles hanging from the never on halogen light in the kitcholiving room.

five words you love

i do so love words and specific words another BIG GEEZ! i mostly group my favorite words together for instance: instead of saying holy cow!!! you might hear me exclaim: "holy matrimony!!!" try it, it's hilarious:) i also picked this one up: bad news as in bad news bears, suck the buck, oh for pete..., unga bunga(thanks d.), ohooohoooho bruther. of course there are my bits and babbles of poetry/prose, that i never speak of. i do like putting words that sound the same together, much like a rap artist, dude! anyway i suppose i'll also have to come up with an example of my "word love." i also dearly appreciate crossword puzzles. awh so much.

and i would like to run and catch up with and tag: the bestest friend kate and a new swap partner agnes and cool girl andrea and um let's see toryssa how about it? and last but not least or maybe two more, i mean what the heck rebecca give it a go and the dear hannah:)

over and out

self portrait challenge

i am currently stuffing my face, in a completely inappropriate manner. (vegan style mind you) primarily do to the fact that i only had a small bowl of strawberries for breakfast and i walked my three mile erlanger medical center and csas diameter without snacking before hand. i develop these slight blisters everyday at the ball of my big toe, that slowly disappear throughout the day. and as soon as i get back the tiny desk fan goes on and i spend the rest of my day freezing after a hard hoggish sweat. today is the beginning of a brand spankin new day at self portrait challenge and so i've got to start off with a sprint to the "beginning." i took this s.p. many years ago and still like the blurry redness of it. i don't know about you? but i suppose brushing ones teeth can be a small intimacy that we aren't sure we want to share with others. i've been living alone for the last four, almost five years and i know i brush my teeth rather, very loudly. i have a big full mouth of teeth that stretch back to all four of my wisdom teeth. i refuse to have them surgically pulled/removed, considering i've got plenty of room back there for them and they're not rotting or bothering any of the other teeth or me for that matter. more about what i have vs. what i haven't got. i don't have any pets. but if i did i'd want another bird, yes another bird. i didn't mind the mess or the continuous chirp chirp chirping. i am not exactly fond of cats and marvel, eyes and mouth agog at great people a.k.a lisa for having two little animals (marg. and barry). i like dogs and could see myself with an aussie one day, but i'm not supposed to have pets in my apt. let's see...this time in my life...i am working more now than i have ever in my entire life. as you all know i work my nine to five here at the oncology office. i do insurance and billing and i like it all most of the time. the month of march and april have been stressful for me. cancer treatments are so expensive and insurance companies are generally stingy. you know insurance companies tell their employess that doctor's are always trying to cheat and fraud their way into getting more money. so insurance companies tend to deny/non payment of most everything. if you've got insurance problems i'm sorry, it pays to know what's happening with your health insurance.

i also work part time as a shift at cvs pharmacy. woohoo. okay and i drive a black nissan sentra that only has 33 thousand miles on it. i usually go down to gulf shores every summer with my nine to five office coworkers. um i have never been married and i have no children. my mom and dad started out at ninteen and had me, their firstborn at twenty one, my dad sold his soul and worked three jobs to support our fam for a while. my brothers came along and my mom and dad were twenty five with three kids, yikes. here i am at thirty with half the responsibilities they had. i went to school kindergarten through twelve to the same school, private christian school. i'm gonna quit here, just wanna get this posted.