whiff whacker

three cheers for the three bestest peeps in the world today. i am not so depressed or struggling within my personal life as much as learning how to deal with not having any money here at uoha. i don't know how not to cry and whine about how difficult work is right now. i know and have faith that it is going to get better, but when the good ole docs are hanging over my head asking me where the moolah is, it makes things more than intense.

but i'll be over easily and quickly, you are right you guys, totally one hundred percent correct. in the midst of it such a difficult time it is way too easy to forget the actual blessing of it all. i am thankful for the fact that we have new pc's and a new update, windows based medical software. i am thankful for the opportunity to learn and i am actually thankful for the time of great humility in the matter. i often am shocked and drained because my mind isn't worthy of holding so much at one time.

last night i had my family come over to celebrate father's day early. aaron and laurie are going on a ten day cross the eastern coast trip. they'll be hitting up new jersey, new york, dc, and maybe a few other spots, so we had to get together before the ninteenth. laurie made a yummy homeade oreo cheesecake and i decided to get folger's mocha fusion, ice cream and coffee and ice and mix up some hot summer cool down drinks.

missing innocence

if it were not for the small moments when the world grows silent at night before i drift off to sleep, i might not think of anything but myself. i have often thought that my greatest fear was that of being me, myself, and i. though i have found that my greatest weakness is pride. fear is driven by pride in this orphan steam engine heart and soul of mine. i am shocked and horrified by...

i had started writing this entry back at the end of may, when i thought all was going well enough. but today i feel as though the waves have crashed back down upon me. there is not an end to the issues with the new software here at the workforce. i have thought to throw my hands up, but do not feel as though i have my mind enough nor hands to even do so. i have spoken so often with the software company that i feel my voice is growing smaller and smaller by the minute and my initial roar is now a annoying din like whir. shwoosh. how i am i supposed to move forward when my legs are no longer apart of my body. i feel the grey hairs on my head plotting the war against the dwindling brown. i am so sad because i feel so old and so tired and haven't thought of anything more ridiculous than the occassional tear welling up under my eyelids. it's pathetic i know. i hate feeling a self centered ness cropping up like a wild fire on the back of my brain. in the center of my heart i know that his grace is overwhelmingly sufficient for me. i am blessed to be a witness of his power to redeem whatever is wrong inside and outside of my mind and heart right now.

geez, do the waves ever stop? i am sure, completely positive that this wave will end and another will arise and by that time i'll have forgotten all about this time in my life. it's a second of hours, days and years that amount to my entire life. i believe that the situation with my co worker has slight ly resolved itself. i do not know how or when or why, but there is now mutual conversation that began this past friday. she was pleasant and offered her leftover frenchfries. i suppose it could be because i was actually the only one in the office at the time, but nonetheless the tiny blessing are there, even if i am blind to them the majority of the time.

i have had some nice off times from work. i have made no artistic progress whatsoever. i am the blahgrahblah. although i felt extremely encouraged by my times with kate, lil josiah j, and eden b, this past sunday. i mostly want to have a little bit of a baby to tote around with me. step of the workforce track and start up this procreation station, but who the hell knows a good man? i don't think there are any. honestly. and i'm not worried about bashing the good ones who are already married. i think i missed my boat to sri lanka to pick homes out of the mud. or i must've missed the college or bust op to find that man of my dreams. i don't have the time too much. what with these two freakin jobs and all. i am glad i've got a second job, i don't about getting another paycheck from all uoha for awhile. the software isn't bringing us any money any time soon.

please send the furitive prayers this a way. i cannot be without a good paying job, because of a decision i made to have new software put in the office.

my guy trends

is it me or are we as a culture diluting? watering down the most beautiful things in life. over prescribing, prematurely diagnosising, tempting children to buy things by using sex, the almighty hand of advertising. parents over indulging their children allowing them to prolong adolesence, delaying reality, disfunctional dr. phil moments. pulling boxes of cold/cough/flu medicine off the shelves because dirty meth heads squeeze the life out all they touch. sacred wars and holy peace negotiations, family values taught in public schools (screw that). where are you drunk, career loving, suv mongering mother's and father's. neglect your children and you'll die in a goverment funded nursing home, alone and abused by poverty paid immigrants or else, janet reno, donald rumsfield, tony blaire, my friend the bush. no side is a good side, except in my mind a faith side.

i am tired of seeing pre teen skluts bare their cheeks on the sidewalks of this city. i feel wary of the racism that prevails because someone named a girl in her highschool year book, "black girl", because they didn't know her name otherwise. it is tragic that the media has the upper hand and that celebrity's play and pretend to be such do gooder's, while divorcing and cheating and spending money to the inth degree. why must we have something to distract us, entertain us, all of the time?
why must children have access to our personal computers at ripe ole age of four? do we need one more video game, one more way to get our music. my radio stations torture me, but i'm not willing to go to all that effort to make my own soundtrack. where is the mystery? where is the truth? why do i need an ipod, psp, or hybrid car?

we are a culture of self doubters, pretenders, and criminals. we are also a culture that will revolt, reverse and recess the cycles. i saw this great documentary on benjiman franklin. have you seen it? check it out at pbs.org if you're at all interested. or pick up the autobiography/biography. i am going to. as he got older he truely became more of a revolutionary. bucking the british colonization, branding the sale of africans as slavery. and being the only founding father to have signed all three major historical documents, d o i, constitution, and something else b o r's maybe do you know? he was not only an inventor but an man of great integrity. who has integrity these days?

the phil my buster makes me sick. the stem cell this and that trys my patience.

you are probably or possibly wondering where all of this comes from inside of me. i am not so sure myself. i love the little guy above, but it made me wonder why we must accessorize every ounce of our lives. even the simple life in magazines takes up space. the clutter demands reclutter.

oh and guess what? i am off completely from work on monday the memorial day. how's that? oh hell. what will i do with myself? aprons are on my brain. and finishing two shadwoboxes i haven't told you about. tiny ones that i am making for smoore and mc for graduation presents. i am also employing a great artist to make two of her most wonderful creations for two of my most favorite people in the world. i've got to keep it a secret though. hold on tight guys because the weekend hasn't even begun and i'm still working.

millionaire's maakies

every night this week i have been drawing at my friends house in an old spiral notebook. i have not sat down to draw anything in so long that it has become a nice way for me to wind down from the ciaos of everyday. the other night i drew a world between to worms or catepillars. there was a treehouse with two tire swings and a nice big branchy tree for climbing and sunbathing. the treehouse i imagined was solar-powered and had a hidden staircase leading up to it through the trees. last night i drew my first ever imagined character. he was arm-less and foot-less, but had a very nice helmet to protect his mind. i did not come up with a name for him, but he did have an owl as a sidekick who has bubbles for brains.

i also have picked up the aprons and i'm finally getting my first one finished off. i am excited and terrible about sewing these perfectly straight lines. what a crock o' shite. i need a guard on my foot to keep from straying outta line. for some reason right now i don't even care because the crooked line seems so attractive to me. i see all sorts of leafy, branchish lines in my head when i draw, tending to be more organic than my collage, which is generally extremely geometric in concept.

i am excited to say that i have found my next big project. i will try to get into ava's FRESH. we shall see. hell after being turned down from 4bridges. i don't care much for the trial and error mishmosh. i'd rather have my own exhibit in my own home. but kate said that when she met with katie @ the hollis gallery, she plugged me or something along those lines. i could try and kill two birds with one stone. shoot for FRESH and the HOLLIS. i gotta stop working as much. this will be another sixty two hour week.

i am sure you all remember maakies. i just love the the black crow and the beautiful monkey. i'm working on a concept for a hat design for my friend too. i really like the monkey idea. whoowhooowhooo.



please check out more sushi fun @ amyville. someone loves sushi. it is so dang beautiful isn't it. kricket is surely right, about her last comment. way to go sushi lovers.

and here's another nice photo taken from carabeth's nice little site of the famous postcard swap.



i'd like you all to see the other postcards that i sent out. one of these days i'll get my camera to the computer. except my pops is giving me his hold pc. now i'll have two and i want to hook two turntables to my pc's too. what shall i do and how shall i do it all?

shockingly sushi

have i every said anything about how much i enjoy eating sushi and how little i get to do so. monamieta gave me some coupons to sushi nabe on frazier and i still haven't gone yet. but today while purusing the www, i found this great little choco sushi site. i think i might have to purchase a box or i suppose a frugal piece. but oh i wonder if it is really any good...



when i have a little bit more time i'll write some more and more. i have moocho news to tell of. thank you sweet kate for the invite. thank you dear lu for the package. working on sending you one off right o way. think you all for the most precious of notes and cards. i have had distress and my mind has not been all that well, but things are gradually improving. i am learning to ignore my frustration with my job. i am learning to ignore my eagerness to hit back.

but this week i do not have time to become emotionally or mentally involved.